"Do you know, P.E.I. has the cheapest gas in the entire country," a friend bragged Thursday. "It's just $1.163 at that place out by the bridge. The national average is something like $1.20."

What's wrong with this conversation?

"Just $1.163." Like that's a bargain? We should all run out and buy a tanker load because it's on sale?

Well, actually, yeah. About an hour later the bubble burst.

"In an unscheduled price adjustment, the Island Regulatory and Appeals Commission announced Thursday the price of gas will rise 6.7 cents per litre at midnight," intoned the CBC. Normally, the commission adjusts prices in the middle and the end of the month.

"The increase puts the price of regular, self-serve gasoline at $1.23.4 per litre, which is just above the national average of $1.23 per litre.

"Record-setting crude prices and a number of market-related factors are exerting unprecedented upward pressure on refined products, especially gasoline. Consumption is again on the rise, the U.S. dollar has weakened and the summer."

Yeah, yeah. We get it.

Maybe it is enough to twist your knickers in a knot. But hey, the snow is melting . well, except for the snow bank under the pine tree in my driveway. Still, as long as it's there, there's no way the lawn can get mowed. Besides, the weather is getting warmer . except for the snow the other day. And the rain. And the wind.

And summer is nearly here ... not that I'll be able to afford to go anywhere with gas heading for $1.50 a litre, or is that $1.60? That's $6.81 a gallon, if it's on sale.

No wonder everyone seems so cranky.

It could be worse. Consider Ms. Weed. That's not her real name, of course. But it's close. It's her maiden name. Sharon Thorne, 57, of Quispamsis thought she'd drop a few bucks for a vanity licence plate for her 2001 Mustang.

What is it about the Mustang? It stirs up memories of Hermits wine in a brown paper bag, the Sobeys parking lot, back seats and back trails. But I digress.

Thorne decided she wanted something special on her plate.

"I thought, well, my last name, my maiden name, was original," Thorne told a reporter. She marched into the motor vehicle branch, plunked down her birth certificate and $170, requested they put Weed on the plate, then waited for it to arrive. Cue the dum-dum-dum.

No can do, said the Political Correctness Police three days later.

"Weed is a naughty word," they explained. "Some people might think you put it on there because it's slang for.[whisper] marijuana."

Really?

What a dope Thorne had been. Here she was all puffed up hoping to drag her Mustang out onto the open road, the Doobie Brothers wailing Jesus Is Just All Right With Me on the radio, while she cruised the neighbourhood checking out the grass, man.

A grandmother, she doesn't do drugs, Thorne said.

"[The name] was special to my father," she said. "He was very, very proud of his last name. Everybody said when we were kids we were growing like weeds."

Not good enough, said the Political Correctness Police.

"We certainly appreciate that it's her name and it wasn't the matter of the name. It was within the larger societal connection of weed to an illegal substance," said Patricia Hyland, spokeswoman for the Public Safety Department.

Huh?

"Larger societal connection?"

I think I might need a bit of reefer before I figure that one out. And a hot dog. Suddenly, I've got an awful case of the munchies.

And if Thorne's troubles aren't enough to curb a case of the giggles, there's New Brunswick's School District 8. It wants its teachers to start dressing a little better for class.

The district has told staff T-shirts, shorts, sports sandals and blue jeans are out at work - even on casual days.

"It was becoming more and more difficult, especially at the high school level, to distinguish between teachers and students," superintendent Susan Tipper told a reporter. "Blue jeans - they're basically very casual. A lot of jeans today are extremely low-rise jeans."

Well, the last thing we want is our students starting to connect with their teachers. What's next? Fun in the classroom? Someone needs to put a stop to this immediately. And do your multiplication tables up to 16 x 16, right now. Plus a dozen pushups.

What? Do you think I'm kidding?

Think again.

I just lost my sense of humour.

2004 H.U.M.A.N.: Hemp Users Medical Access Network - Toronto Medical Marijuana